Why I Am Not a Helicopter Parent Even Though I Want to Keep my Kids Safe

Being a parent of two small children is often challenging.  Therefore, I can often relate to the struggles that parents bring to my office seeking my advice.  The hardest part of being a parent is watching your child feel failure or get hurt, whether emotionally or physically.  I think of this often as I sit at the playground with my children.  I love that this is a place where I can observe them while they are completely unaware and not adapting their behavior for my benefit.  I get to see how they handle social interactions with others and how they challenge themselves both physically and emotionally.  It is also an interesting place to observe parents. 

Sometimes I am the recipient of curious looks at the playground because I do not always rush immediately when my children call.  Of course I want my children to feel safe and loved, but unfortunately I will not always be there to help them.  So I try to take steps to help make them self-sufficient even if it is not my first instinct as a parent.  I have become a master at pretending I didn’t hear them while watching with my heart in my throat as they traverse the monkey bars alone or slide down the fire pole.  I am aware that falling from the playground equipment can cause injury, but I am also aware that allowing them to accomplish these tasks without my assistance from a young age has allowed them to feel self-confidence.  And if they fall and pick themselves back up to try again, they learn how to persevere when things are hard.

I also enjoy pretending to read while listening to their conversations.  I do not correct them every time I hear them saying something they shouldn’t or cringe every time they use their imagination to create a world that is full of things I wouldn’t want them to think about.  I do not buy into the belief that playing with toy guns creates violence or fear in children.  In fact, children often work through their fears in their play.  Playing cops and robbers with toy guns allows them to feel powerful and makes some of the realities of life less scary. I want them to have active imaginations in order to boost their ability to problem solve.  They are not always politically correct in their play, but I believe that that sensitivity will develop over time.  It seems the time they have to just be kids already seems so short.

Finally, I do not force my kids to play with everyone.  While I would never tolerate them being outright mean to another person, nor am I teaching them to let others be mean to them.  I have sat and watched parents interject to chastise children who do not include their own child.  The problem is that often their child just threw sand into those other kids’ eyes and threatened to push them off the playground equipment.  Why should they be bullied into including that child in their play?  What is that teaching them? It’s teaching them to tolerate people mistreating them.  Better yet, what is that teaching the kid who threw sand? That kid just learned that he can do whatever he wants and still be included.  My kids have been on both sides of that equation and I rarely get involved.  I want their peers to teach them that they have to be nice if they want to be included and I want them to learn that they can stand up for themselves if someone isn’t being nice to them.  I may not always be involved, but I am always there and I enjoy the opportunity to soothe them with my own kindness when I know they have had a teaching moment because they do still need me.  Ultimately, home will always be the place that they are loved no matter what life throws at them.

On Being Overwhelmed

I often encounter people who come to my practice seeking help because they feel overwhelmed.  Effective time management is not something that comes naturally to certain people.  These people often compare themselves to others in their life and lament their lack of ability to accomplish their daily tasks. I believe that these feelings often originate when someone is unable to prioritize what is important.  They may actually get a lot of items checked off their daily task lists, but never seem to get to the important things that they find enriching.  My suggestions for change in these situations are often met with a great deal of resistance.  Individuals waste more time and energy arguing with themselves about all the reasons they cannot accomplish what they have set out to do than it would take them to actually accomplish it. 

In order to help patients learn how to prioritize within their life, I introduce the concept of an emotional energy jar.  I ask them to visualize their jars in their minds.  The reality is that if their jars are empty they have nothing left to give.  They will feel lethargic, distracted, and lack confidence in abilities to complete tasks.  People with empty jars feel as though they constantly hit road blocks along the way that make it impossible to reach their goals.  It often seems counter intuitive in our society which values selflessness so highly, for anyone to slow down and take the time for self-care.  However, taking care of yourself is the only way to refill your jar.  Do you know that feeling that you get when you participate in a hobby you love or spend time with your best friend? That is the emotional energy that helps you get through the day-to-day road blocks of life.  It is not selfish to go get your nails done or order a pizza for dinner if the result is that your jar fills up and you have more to give to others.  When your jar is full not only do you problem solve better, but you have more energy to complete more items in shorter periods of time.  It has a trickle down effect to so many other areas of your life: you sleep better, your relationships with others improve, etc.

But individuals with tendencies to be overwhelmed often struggle because they assign every facet of their lives the same level of importance, despite the fact that some things clearly are of greater value.  The small scale solution to this problem is simple.  Every day, make a list of what you need to accomplish.  Your list may be quite large and include long-term and short-term projects.  In order to feel good about the progress you are making, break long term goals into shorter and more manageable chunks.  Then when you have a realistic list of what you might be able to accomplish within the confines of a day, assign every item a number.  You can only assign one item as your number one, one item as your number two and so on.  In this way you have just forced yourself to decide what are your priorities for the day. 

Another problem that people often encounter is underestimating how long items will take them to accomplish something.  Are you self-aware enough to know that if you go into Target for toilet paper you will also look at housewares? Spend a week logging how long certain tasks that you do regularly really take you to complete.  What you discover may shock you.  You may be much slower at ironing or packing lunches for the day than you thought for instance.  It helps to have reasonable expectations for yourself regarding time on task.  If you really know how long something takes you, then you will have reasonable expectations for what you can get done in a day.  It also may help you remind yourself to stay on task at the store if you truly don't have time for "window shopping". 

Taking the time to get organized before you are off and running for the day might also help maximize your productivity.  This is often an area where my suggestions meet with a lot of resistance.  However, if you think about it logically and rationally (that is to say removed from an emotional response) you will realize that taking some time to think through what you are going to accomplish and what you need to accomplish it, does actually save you time.  If you look at recipes and make an exhaustive list for the grocery store you are less likely to forget something and need to go back. 

So stop wasting your time arguing all the reasons my suggestions won't work.  This is a waste of what little emotional energy is left in your jar and is taking up way more time than you think.  Make time to recharge with the things you enjoy.  All the other tasks will still be there when you are done.  Prioritize what actually needs to be accomplished.  Be self-aware enough to have reasonable expectations for what you are capable of.  Finally, take the time to organize first.  You will be amazed at how efficient you can be!

Technology: Friend or Foe of Your Mental Health

Technology has been wonderful for our society in so many ways.  We can keep in touch with people all over the world easier.  It has improved our time management by allowing us to do more, faster. It even allows us to benefit from the experience of countless strangers so that we can find the best restaurant, hotel or vacation spot.  In much of the world, nobody ever needs to be lost or  out of communication again. But have you ever considered what ways technology might be harming you?

For those of you that follow the articles on my page, you may have noticed an article that I posted last week discussing the increase in depression due to technology.  We often underestimate the stimulating effects of screen time.  I hear from people that they watch TV before bed because they can just “shut their mind off and be entertained”, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Whether you are consciously aware of it or not, the back lighting and images on the screen stimulate your brain. They interrupt your natural ability to fall asleep and stay asleep if used too close to your bed time because they disrupt your natural sleep rhythm.  Sleep deprivation often causes an inability to regulate your emotions or think positively.  Depression is not a big leap from there.  

Another problem with our use of technology is how isolating it can be.  Despite our ability to keep in contact with everyone around the world, we often don’t feel genuine connection in these interactions.  Electronic communications are often much more superficial interactions as we no longer need to talk to or see other people to communicate with them.  This allows social anxieties to flourish through avoidance of actual, personal interaction.  Social cues are lost in texts and emails because we do not have to read body language or benefit from hearing the tone of voice used by the counter party.  It is easy to assign intention to someone else’s texts or emails even if that isn’t what they were thinking at all.  Not to mention the way social media can make people feel:  who hasn’t had a day where they look at everyone’s happy times on social media and judge their own normal life in negative ways?  Why isn’t my life as exciting as theirs?  Why wasn’t I invited to that event?  Why is their marriage happier? 

I also believe that technology is a large contributor to the increasing number of patients with anxiety that I am seeing in my practice.  It becomes easy to feel overwhelmed when we can never disconnect from work or personal expectations.  Our family time is often interrupted by competing demands which can damage our relationships with the people who want, and deserve, our full attention.  Quick response time has become expected in most industries and this creates pressure to respond immediately to anything you receive. 

The anonymity afforded by technology also makes it easier to say things to someone remotely that we would never say to their face.  We don’t have to watch them cry when we hurt them or be embarrassed when we share things about them.  This cyber bullying is no longer an anomaly.  It is a regular practice, not just for teens but adults too.  In our quest to be the first to disseminate information or photos to the world, we often don’t take the time to think through the ramifications of our actions.

As a therapist I am often tasked to develop ways for someone to combat or manage all of these technological encroachments and the resulting negatives they impose on the framework of their life.  I suggest thinking about picking up a phone or visiting someone in person when you have the time.  You will be surprised at how much more positive the interaction will seem to you and how much more you (and the other person) will get out of it.  It is also necessary to pick times in your day when you can disconnect from your technology and focus on other priorities in your life.  This often requires shutting down your phone, tablet or computer and leaving the room.  Before you give me all the reasons you can’t do that, ask yourself what you might actually be missing? If a crisis occurs, I am sure that those close to you would know how to reach you.  Is there really anything that can’t wait for an hour?  Then think of all that can be gained while you take a break from the electronic world and reconnect with the physical world.  It affords you the opportunity to truly recharge your emotional battery and connect with people in your life who would love to have your undivided attention.  If you still feel unable to disconnect, ask yourself what you might be missing in your life because you are paying too much attention to the technology.  My guess is that you are missing a lot.  

Christian Lous Lange once said that “Technology is a useful servant but a dangerous master.”  This is as true today as ever before.  Spend some time today taking back control over your life from the technology you have become increasingly reliant on.  You might see some remarkable results. 

Model Parenting

Many of my clients have children. Often, one of the stressors that brings them to my office is the challenge of child-rearing.  Therefore, parenting education and counseling has become a large part of what I offer to my clients.  It is impossible for me to saysimply, when I am sitting across from a stressed parent whose child I have never met, all of the things that are contributing to their child-rearing stress.  I cannot possibly divine what issues their children are facing and what outside influences are contributing to the issues at home.  This makes it challenging to suggest interventions for the child/children.  However, in my opinion, a lot can be changed in the dynamic of a parent/child relationship with changes that originate in the parent. 

There is no manual that informs parents on the best child-rearing practices (although I love and often recommend Dr. Laura Markham's book Peaceful Parents Happy Kids).  Every child is different and every household is a different environment.  One thing I have noticed that seems to be a universal issue is parental expectations.  There seem to be a large number of parents who yell and their children and then wonder why their children yell back.  One of the largest complaints I get is "my child never listens to me".  And my response is always "Do you listen to them?". 

This is not to say that I believe that our children are our equals.  On the contrary, I think that too many parents try to be friends with their child when what that child really needs is a parent.  I do, however, think that it is unrealistic for parents to believe that a child is going to be born with the knowledge that what they witness their parents doing they aren't allowed to do because they are not adults.  Your child is always watching your behavior even when you think they are not. It is one of their earliest teachers regarding how to interact with others and the world. 

So my simple advice is this: model in your own behavior how you want your child to behave.  If you want them to listen to you, teach them how by listening to them.  If you want them to talk calmly and rationally, show them how to do it even when they are angry.  If you want them to respect you, offer them respect.  If you want them to follow through with their commitments, let them see you following through with yours.  It is a simple concept that is often much harder to carry out.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  If you make a mistake remember that it is the perfect opportunity to show them how to handle making mistakes of their own. 

Effecting Your Affect

When people first approach me regarding their depressed or anxious feelings and ways to make themselves feel better with easy intial changes that yield big results, I always ask about their eating habits, sleeping habits and exercise routine.  These are not things that one often associates with therapy but they have a huge impact on the way that you feel physically and emotionally.  If one of these things is neglected often your ability to regulate your emotions is drastically effected.

In regards to eating habits, I am not a nutritionist.  I do not deem myself the expert on what makes up a healthy eating regiment. I firmly believe that our bodies are miraculous things that have their own individual make up and, therefore, require different things to operate at their healthiest.  Common sense tells us that we should minimize things like sugar, caffiene, and processed foods while making sure that what we eat is a balance worthy of the food pyramid.  I am not a firm believer in completely denying yourself the things that you enjoy, even if they are not the healthiest option.  There is a sense of happiness and well being that comes from treating yourself to something you enjoy in moderation.  When I talk to my patients about eating habits I talk less about what they eat and more about when they eat.  I have often seen the power of small meals or snacks throughout the day help ward off anxiety symptoms that occur at specific points in patient's days.  So I do believe that maintaining a good level of calories and normal blood sugar can effect your ability to think clearly and calmly.

Sleep is an obvious factor in your overall mood.  Any parent can tell you about the lack of patience and positive attitude that comes with sleep deprivation.  Simply put, if you are not getting enough sleep your mind is not operating at it's best and you cannot use clear, calm self-talk to assist in problem solving.  Once your sleep cycle is off it can be a bit of a chore to reset it.  Because we are a society that often looks for a pill to solve the problem, many people have reverted to melatonin or sleep aides to try and help them get the appropriate amount of sleep.  The problem with these solutions is that after two weeks of taking melatonin your body slows down the production of your natural melatonin making it even more difficult for you to sleep without it.  It is much preferred to reset your sleep clock naturally through gradual shifts in sleep times, relaxation activities and routines.

The final factor in the trifecta is exercise.  The truth of the matter is that exercise releases endorphins.  Endorphins make you feel good.  Plus there is the added benefit of looking more toned and having more energy.  Both of which can't hurt when someone is feeling badly about themselves.  When I say exercise people are often thinking of going to a gym for an hour of brutal physical exertion that leads to the inability to move without hurting all over, but this is not what is required to get the mood benefit of exercise.  Something as simple as walking the dog for fifteen minutes a day can have a dramatic impact on your mood and outdoor exercise has the added benefit of vitamin D from the sun which also is known to boost your mood.

So if you are feeling down or having panic attacks take a look at your eating, sleeping and exercise habits.  I would be surprised if there was not room for improvement in these categories in your life.  Changing these things may not help you win the war against depression or anxiety but they will help prepare you to win the first battle.