To Confront or Not

I often counsel patients who are very anxious about confrontations with others in their lives.  Instead of asserting themselves and confronting interpersonal issues, they avoid the problems and let them fester into larger issues that destroy central relationships.  They often come to me on the verge of divorce or estranged from family and friends, lonely and filled with resentment. 

While anxiety about confrontation is a normal part of most lives, and I do not advocate confronting every single slight that you experience, an avoidance of crucial confrontation in relationships that are centrally important to your life causes blurred boundaries and overwhelming anger.  People who have a tendency to avoid these difficult conversations often lack resolution and carry around unresolved feelings long after they believe the disagreement has passed.  These unresolved feelings act as an emotional cancer that eats away at them and their feelings about the relationship, often causing overwhelming anger.  That anger can often become directed at themselves and others close to them.

Therefore, part of my job is helping people learn how to confront those in their lives who have caused them angst that is obstructing their path to happiness.  I often recommend role playing exercises or books such as Crucial Confrontations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson and Ron McMillan.  However, even individuals who learn how to master confrontations often ask me to help them find the balance that comes with knowing when a confrontation is warranted.

My advice on that is twofold.  First, never confront immediately unless there is an issue to your physical well-being or compelling reasons why there are time constraints.  Sit with the hurt and information for a bit.  You do not always have to respond, but if you wait to respond you will almost always be able to do so in a measured and calm way.  As the emotion dissipates you will be able to be clearer in what you want to say and cause less defensiveness in the other individual.  But the space and time will also allow you to examine why you are upset and whether this is something that needs to be dealt with or can be let go. 

Ask yourself what were the possible intentions of the person who hurt you and whether confronting this person is likely to cause the preferred change.  Often if you can realize that this is someone who didn’t intend to hurt you, and may have acted inconsiderately due to their own current circumstances, you will find it easier to let go of your hurt and forgive.  Also, if you determine that the individual has hurt you this way repeatedly despite attempts on your part to ask them to change, it is likely that they will not change.  If this is the case, you must ask yourself what your motivation for confrontation might be.   It would likely be fruitless to confront them with the expectation that they will change in this circumstance.  Therefore, the motivation for having the conversation might only be to allow you to feel closure or establish a new effective boundary with the individual. 

Finally, if you find yourself responding to someone in your life with strong anger that doesn’t seem proportionate to the current situation that might be a signal that you missed a previous opportunity to confront them about something that you couldn’t let go.  That is the time to ask yourself, what they have done that has hurt you in the past and confront the issue before your anger continues to build.  Sometimes, despite our best attempts to have the conversations that will help us achieve resolution, relationships will not change, but it is typically better to be proactive in bringing about the change you need rather than waiting for someone to change when they have no idea that you are waiting.  Having crucial confrontation in appropriate circumstances is the first step to the open and healthy communication that allows all relationships to thrive.  It is unrealistic to believe that we will never be hurt by the people we love, but with good assertiveness skills there is no reason that these hurts have to continue to color and control our future interactions.    

Depression and Nutrition

As our society becomes increasingly health conscious, I have noticed a recent trend in people looking for non-medication solutions to depression issues.  While many people with severe depression are simply unable (and should not attempt) to manage without medication, I do not think it is ever a bad idea to look at how lifestyle can be changed to either aid medication or remove the necessity for it in milder cases.  In previous blogs, I have explored the importance of exercise and sleep in regards to your mental state, but I would also like to include your eating habits as a central part of the discussion.

There have been many studies about the benefits of Vitamin D for people who suffer from depression and I often recommend sources such as Vitamin D drops or artificial sun lamps to try and increase Vitamin D intake in depressed patients.  I also recommend a great deal of natural sunlight.  If you can, take a walk outside during your lunch break or have your morning coffee on your deck.  However, Vitamin D is only part of the nutritional solution.  There are newer studies that have shown the benefits of Omega 3 fatty acids for people who suffer from depression. A lot of psychiatrists are now prescribing them to supplement anti-depressants because they have been shown to combat depression and boost the effectiveness of anti-depressant medication.  Fish, vegetable oils, leafy vegetables, nuts and flax seed are great sources of Omega 3 fatty acids, but a supplement can also help do the trick.

In addition, protein has been shown to be an important nutritional component in combatting depression.  I recently attended a lecture about this link and was amazed to hear that people with depression tend to have lower glucose levels which can create dips throughout the day making mood shifts more likely.  One way to combat these dips is to consume more protein, especially slow burning protein such as that found in meat, quinoa, brown rice and nuts.  For this reason, it is also a good idea for people with depression to have small protein rich snacks in between meals to keep their moods and their glucose steady.

I am not willing to say that quality sleep, exercise and these nutritional guidelines will completely rid you of depression, but I think the evidence of their benefits is too compelling to just ignore.  Anyone with depression whether they are on medication for treatment or not, should consider lifestyle an important part of their treatment along with therapy.  Slow and gradual lifestyle changes are easier to maintain and can have long lasting effects.

The Act of Being Mindful

I’ve heard more and more people asking about using mindfulness to improve the quality of their life.  A lot of people associate mindfulness with meditation and guided relaxation, but this is not really what mindfulness is all about.  While meditation is a tool used to help bring about a mindful state, mindfulness is really about removing emotion and judgment from your observations of your life and being more present in the moment. 

Every day, we filter all of our sensory input through an internal mental system that makes sense of, and assigns meaning to, our experiences.  This system filters information and creates an internal dialogue that helps us determine how we respond to things.  Most of the time we take in an experience, process how it relates to our past experiences and our belief system, make a judgment, and have a resulting emotional reaction.  This is how we determine whether an experience or observation is good or bad or even somewhere in between.

So how does mindfulness change this process?  Mindfulness is the act of becoming an observer.  Basically, you are slowing your thinking down and taking in all of the input and sensory stimuli without making a judgment or reacting emotionally at all.  This allows you to remain calm and objective about experiences or allows you to take a strong emotional reaction you might be having to a stimulus and calm it down quickly.  It involves practicing awareness of not only the input you are receiving (sounds, smells, sights, etc.) but your own internal reactions to them and neutralizing those reactions.

Since this is a process that does not come naturally to those that are prone to depression and anxiety, it is something that needs to be practiced.  This is where the meditation comes in.  Meditations are an amazing way to practice this kind of observing awareness and strengthen your ability to do it during stressful and emotional times.  I always recommend practicing every night before bed so you have the added benefit of better sleep.  If you are looking for some ways to kick start your mindfulness, Dr. John Kabat-Zinn is always a great resource, but for those of you who feel time crunched I love the app Headspace.    It is a great app for short meditations that anyone can do anywhere.  So no more excuses, get started today.  I promise that you will thank me for how much calmer and more competent you feel.

Finding work-life balance

Often when people begin to feel overwhelmed by their lives it is related to their lack of work-life balance.  One of the drawbacks of our increased reliance on technology in our life is that it has changed our work day.  We no longer go to work, finish our daily tasks, and head home to enjoy our personal life.  We are instead available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via mobile phone, computer, skype, etc.  It is not uncommon in this day and age for work to significantly encroach on family vacations and holidays.  The question people often ask themselves (and me) is, how can I create more balance in my life given my current circumstances?  I have two quick and easy suggestions to help restore some of that balance.

A lot of people seem to struggle at the end of a long hard day to transition from work to home.  If a day has been particularly tense, or if they have a problem leftover from the day that they need to deal with later, that tension and stress carries over into their first few hours at home.  They will often stress about work the whole way home from the “office” and find themselves unable to engage with family when they do get home.  This is one of the first things to address.  It is possible to feel more balanced if your personal life creates a feeling of connection and well-being.  If work interferes with this quality time, you never connect with loved ones or activities that make your life feel more enriched.  It is time to begin using your travel home more wisely.  This is the time that you should be transitioning mentally from work mode to home mode.  Use this time to shut out work concerns.  Practice some deep cleansing breathing and switch your thoughts to home.  If you have children or a spouse, this is the time to think about what you know about their days so you are ready to ask questions and engage when you get home.  It is also the time to let go of the stress and tension.  You may want to take the time to do a small short guided meditation (if you are not driving) or, if it was a particularly difficult day, to think about the positive things that happened.  It is important to change your mind set before you arrive home.  If you absolutely must take a work phone call or review something on your way home, take a few minutes before you walk through the door to reset, but, no matter what, make the transition.

The other suggestion I have is the creation of “personal time”.  Force yourself to shut off your electronic devices for a certain period of time every evening.  Leave them in another room so you aren’t even tempted to open up your personal social media or games.  It is important to have periods of time when you are awake that you can disconnect and recharge.  People often make the mistake of keeping their phones beside them or in their hands.  It is much harder to ignore a work request that comes through if you are aware that it is there.  Even if it only takes a few minutes to address, it has broken up your personal time and diminished your quality time.  Plus, being attached to your phone can cause frustration with the significant people in your life.  Nobody wants to feel that they don’t have somebody’s full attention when they are interacting.  You will have fewer arguments with significant members of your life if you give them undivided attention for periods of time every day. 

While these habits may seem hard to implement at first, if you put them into effect regularly they will quickly become habits that I am sure you will enjoy.  Plus taking time to recharge will certainly make you more efficient and effective in every aspect of your life.  You are only a few steps away from creating more balance in your overwhelming life.  Take the first step today. 

Building Self-Esteem

We have become a society of trophies for everyone no matter their effort or ability.  In an effort to build the self-esteem of children we may have gone too far in our praise of everything they do.  In doing so, I fear that we have created a generation of kids who have extremely poor self-esteem.  Let’s face the facts: not everything they do is praise worthy.  If we praise them for everything, how do they learn what it feels like to lose or not be good at something?  How do they develop the ability to be a good sport even when they feel badly about their performance?  But the largest issue that comes from this trend is that they can be completely unprepared to face an adult world where bosses will not always offer praise or compensation for all of their hard work.

When I express these opinions to parents who come seeking my help with their children, I am often met with horrified stares.  Believe me, I do not believe in tearing children down with negativity and I am not saying that building self-esteem is not important.  All I am saying is that there are better ways to actually accomplish that goal.  Self-esteem is born from a sense of mastery.  So encourage children to try a lot of things and praise them when they are actually good at something.  That way your praise has meaning to them.  Trust me, they feel different when they are actually good at something and your praise will mean more if you reserve it for those moments.  This is not the same thing as finding what they are good at and taking the joy out of it by forcing year round instruction and demanding excellence.  If this is something your child wants, that is great, but in my experience such an approach is often more about the parent than the child. 

Set expectations for your children.  If you have expectations and they are clearly communicated to your child they will work hard to live up to them.  When their hard work pays off and you are proud of them, they will be proud too.  Their pride is really the key.  I never just tell my children that I am proud of them.  Someday, unfortunately, I won’t be around to tell them that all the time.  And while I am often proud of them and express my pleasure and pride in particular actions, behaviors and achievements, I always tell them that they should be proud of themselves.  I want them to be able to validate their own feelings and not always look to me to judge their level of competency. 

Give your kid choices and point out when they make good ones.  It is common for us to ruminate on bad choices that we have made or pawn the choice off on someone else for fear of making a bad one.  In order to gain lasting confidence your child must see that they make good choices.  Your validation goes a long way to promote this.  Even small choices build to better bigger choices.  It can be tempting to just choose for them or force their hands, but nothing is learned or gained when you do that.

Finally, as social creatures children must find “their people”.  It is important for them to understand that friends that are worth having will like them for who they are. Some people aren’t going to like them at all.  They don’t have to be liked by everyone.  Your children also don’t have to like everyone.  In fact, it is important to teach them how to be respectful and kind even when they don’t like someone.  All they really need is a small core group of peers who have similar interests and allow them to be themselves.  If they have that they will feel good about themselves because those friends will validate their experiences and like them even when they aren’t the best at something.  Learning this now will help them choose better friends and a better mate as adults.  So while there are many things you can do to build self-esteem and it will always be an ongoing process, praising our children for everything they do is not one of them.  Good friends, a sense of mastery and the building of good decision-making abilities will be better life long habits to begin now.