How Do You Know If You Are a Good Parent?

Throughout life we all develop an idea of what defines a good mother or father.  Some of those ideas come from media, books and movies.  Certain ideas come from our own personal experiences with friends’ parents or times when our own parents made us feel a certain way.   But the picture we paint for ourselves is very rarely a complete picture.  We take away all of the ideals without any understanding of the challenges.  Let’s face it, how often do we hear people complaining about how HARD it is to be a parent?

The truth is that there is no magic answer for being a good parent.  Even within the same family different children need different things and kids go through so many different phases that as soon as you get one figured out they are moving on to the next.  To make matters worse, or at least more complicated, there are so many outside influences in your child’s life that are out of your control: teachers, friends, coaches, and social media to name a few. 

Before you despair, however, let me say that the simple fact that you are reading this is likely indicative that you are a good parent.  I know this because the only true key that I have discovered that always rings true is that if you are trying to be better then you are a good parent.  You will make plenty of mistakes and that can actually be a good thing.  It is how you handle those opportunities that matter.  By modeling taking responsibility for your own behaviors and asking for forgiveness you are showing your child that everyone makes mistakes and you have to make amends and move forward. 

Remember, it is not your job as a parent to meet every need your child has.  It is instead much better to be a resource for them so that they can learn how to meet their own needs when appropriate.  Maintaining a good connection that leaves your child feeling loved and with a safe place to land no matter what happens is the most important thing. There will be enough problems in your child’s life, but there cannot ever be too much love.

 So, try your best to be aware of your own personal baggage and triggers and don’t let them interfere with what is happening in the here and now.  Your children aren’t you.  Listen when they talk and let them know that their feelings are heard even when they aren’t agreed with.  Try to be consistent and let the rest unfold.  Parenting is a journey that will likely take you on a roller coaster ride.  Don’t worry about being prepared for every dip.  Just enjoy the ride.

Self-Care Without the Guilt

Our daily lives are busy and, for most people, busy is an understatement.  We are constantly juggling the competing demands in our life.  I regularly treat patients who come to me struggling to find a work-life balance.  They are overwhelmed and many are guilt-ridden.  They express feelings that due to all these competing demands on their time, they do nothing truly well.  When I ask them about the things in their lives that are most important, I am not surprised to hear that these are the same things to which they dedicate the least amount of their time and energy. 

My initial suggestion typically involves making more time for these things of primary importance in order to emotionally recharge.  This suggestion is often met with a bevy of commitments or obstacles in their lives that make it impossible or inconvenient for them to carve out more time for recharging.  Yet they continue to have guilt that they miss their children’s soccer games or are too tired to spend much time with their significant other.  They put off developing the hobby that they love or spending time with friends.  So I ask them to make a list of the things that prevent them in a week from being present where they would really like to be.  Then I hit them with a hard truth: the things that prevent them from taking that break to have fun time will always be there, even when they are dead and gone.  There will always be laundry, house cleaning, and work.  So maybe everything doesn’t have to get done.  This is why we prioritize our lives and if we make recharging ourselves a priority, we will feel better, sleep better, think better, and will be significantly more efficient when we set out to do the things that are necessary evils.

It is not surprising that as people adapt to the idea of putting themselves higher on the priority list, guilt rears its ugly head.  This is where self-talk comes into the equation.  Guilt is a by-product of your expectations for yourself.  People who feel guilty have a constant inner monologue telling them what they “should” be doing.  I tell people to listen to this inner monologue.  Really listen and maybe even write some of it down.  Then you can go back as a rational calm person later and realize the undue pressure to which you subject yourself.  Life is hard enough at times without you beating yourself up.  So as soon as you hear the word “should” enter your inner dialogue it is time to put on the brakes.  Who determined you “should” be doing something?  Challenge these thoughts internally.  You are likely to find that there are a lot of things that you have been telling yourself to do that really aren’t necessary.  Start replacing that internal monologue with the words “nobody is perfect and I will do my best”.  That is all that is fair to expect from yourself. 

Taking care of yourself and recharging allows you to be a better worker, a better friend, a better parent, a better lover, frankly a better all-around person.  It makes you happier and more productive.  It makes your thoughts clearer and makes you more efficient.  So do the work to re-prioritize and change your inner dialogue.  Life is way too short to keep being your own worst enemy.