Self-Care Without the Guilt

Our daily lives are busy and, for most people, busy is an understatement.  We are constantly juggling the competing demands in our life.  I regularly treat patients who come to me struggling to find a work-life balance.  They are overwhelmed and many are guilt-ridden.  They express feelings that due to all these competing demands on their time, they do nothing truly well.  When I ask them about the things in their lives that are most important, I am not surprised to hear that these are the same things to which they dedicate the least amount of their time and energy. 

My initial suggestion typically involves making more time for these things of primary importance in order to emotionally recharge.  This suggestion is often met with a bevy of commitments or obstacles in their lives that make it impossible or inconvenient for them to carve out more time for recharging.  Yet they continue to have guilt that they miss their children’s soccer games or are too tired to spend much time with their significant other.  They put off developing the hobby that they love or spending time with friends.  So I ask them to make a list of the things that prevent them in a week from being present where they would really like to be.  Then I hit them with a hard truth: the things that prevent them from taking that break to have fun time will always be there, even when they are dead and gone.  There will always be laundry, house cleaning, and work.  So maybe everything doesn’t have to get done.  This is why we prioritize our lives and if we make recharging ourselves a priority, we will feel better, sleep better, think better, and will be significantly more efficient when we set out to do the things that are necessary evils.

It is not surprising that as people adapt to the idea of putting themselves higher on the priority list, guilt rears its ugly head.  This is where self-talk comes into the equation.  Guilt is a by-product of your expectations for yourself.  People who feel guilty have a constant inner monologue telling them what they “should” be doing.  I tell people to listen to this inner monologue.  Really listen and maybe even write some of it down.  Then you can go back as a rational calm person later and realize the undue pressure to which you subject yourself.  Life is hard enough at times without you beating yourself up.  So as soon as you hear the word “should” enter your inner dialogue it is time to put on the brakes.  Who determined you “should” be doing something?  Challenge these thoughts internally.  You are likely to find that there are a lot of things that you have been telling yourself to do that really aren’t necessary.  Start replacing that internal monologue with the words “nobody is perfect and I will do my best”.  That is all that is fair to expect from yourself. 

Taking care of yourself and recharging allows you to be a better worker, a better friend, a better parent, a better lover, frankly a better all-around person.  It makes you happier and more productive.  It makes your thoughts clearer and makes you more efficient.  So do the work to re-prioritize and change your inner dialogue.  Life is way too short to keep being your own worst enemy.