Finding "The One"

As someone who works a lot with couples with troubled marriages, I am often asked by individuals how to find the right relationship that will last for a lifetime.  One of the things I have learned throughout the years is that we often end up marrying people who have some traits in common with one or both of our parents.  While this statement often makes sense to people, they are often confused by the fact that these traits are not always the ones that made us feel secure and connected in our relationships with our families.  For instance, if we grew up with a parent who worked around the clock and left us feeling upset when they missed all of our important milestones, we are more likely to marry someone who will repeat this pattern despite how it made us feel in our childhood. 

Inevitably, whenever I point this out to couples they express a fear that something must be wrong with them to repeat this pattern of hurt voluntarily. The truth is that even if our parent’s trait is a negative one, it is at least a familiar one.  We, as humans, are always more comfortable with the familiar, even if it is unhealthy or upsetting.  The problem becomes that as adults (with our presumably fully developed reasoning skills and maturity) we are sure that our reactions to these similar slights will be much more evolved.  However, despite our growth in the logical parts of our brains, the slights we experience with our partners trigger the same emotional response we had as a child, typically at the same developmental level as when we first experienced it.  So the behavior it elicits often puts us squarely in the middle of the struggles we wish we had left behind through maturity, which often lands people in my office. 

So how do you avoid that problem?  First, it is important to have self-awareness.  What are your triggers and the stimuli from your youth that still hurt you when you think about them in adulthood?  Do you feel like your parents never listened to your opinion or valued the things that were important to you?  Then take a realistic look at your potential future partner.  Does he/she have the same tendency?  What traits does he/she have in common with your mother and father?  Are those traits you admired or traits that hurt you?  Take a step back and consider whether your reactions to these traits are likely to be conducive to a healthy relationship.  Examining potential partners from this fresh perspective may even cause you to see other acquaintances, you may have completely overlooked before, in a totally new light. 

If you have your heart set on partnering with someone who does share one of the negative traits that drove you crazy as a child, don’t despair.  There are ways to work on yourself to make that relationship work.  Maybe it is time for you to seek therapy to help you let go of that old childhood pain.  Ultimately, make sure that you ask yourself whether you are willing to live the rest of your life with this person if nothing changes.  If the answer is yes you have a strong foundation to build upon.  Never enter into a marriage expecting that you can change your partner over time.  Personality traits are not the same as bachelor cleanliness or frilly throw pillows.  Assuming you will be able to modify your partner’s personality to better suit your preferences is a recipe for disaster.

Would You Rather be Right or Happy?

As the weather gets colder and the holidays arrive, the natural stressors associated with this time of year arise.  Significant relationships in our lives often suffer from the stress associated with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season as well as the demands of social events with extended family and work colleagues.  For many people, financial burdens weigh especially heavy at this time of year.  Tempers run high, tolerance is low and communication can often break down in couples and families.  As a result, many people express feelings that they are taken for granted by significant others during busy times in life such as these. 

My first piece of advice to combat these feelings is to make spending time together with your partner a priority.  It is often when we get busiest that our coping mechanisms are taxed and we need recuperating reconnection time more.  Unfortunately, during these times we often make less time for this recuperation.  Finding the time to spend with your partner despite the other demands on your time allows you to balance those stressors with positive interaction and communication with your loved ones.  These positive moments can help give you the perspective you need to not develop a negative impression of your significant other during these stressful times.

However, it is inevitable that arguments will occur, especially at this time of year.  While all couples have disagreements, it is important to argue productively.  Disagreements can lead to anger and resentment, which actually changes the way you see your partner.  Arguing in a way that leads to resolution without resentment requires knowledge that two people can experience the same situation entirely differently and a willingness to bridge the gap between those different perceptions.  It is entirely possible to have the same experience as your significant other and walk away with different feelings, meanings and thoughts about that experience. 

We all filter everything we experience through our past experiences and our own moral code.  Since no two people have the same experiences in life, we may (and probably do) interpret the input we receive in any given moment entirely differently than our partner.  It is important to keep these differing perspectives in mind when an argument arises and evaluate what you intend to achieve during the argument.  Consider whether the battle is important enough to justify an argument.  If the issue is that important, why is it important and what about your feelings do you want your significant other to understand?  One of our basic intrinsic needs as a human being is to feel understood, so you will often be more successful if you try to understand where your partner is coming from.  What might they be thinking and feeling that are causing them to act in this way?  If you are focused on proving that you are right (or they are wrong) instead of trying to understand their viewpoint you are not really listening to them.  If you are trying to force them to perceive an event in the same way that you did, you may be ignoring the fact that your partner is viewing that event through a different filter of historical experiences than you.  This is what leads to the resentment.  After all, would you really like to be with someone who isn’t listening to you?

So as this stressful time of year approaches make your significant other a priority.  Spend time alone together away from the stresses of the season.  Have enough self-awareness to know your own stress level and pick your disagreements wisely.  If an argument has to be had for you to move forward, ask yourself do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  More often than not, you can’t have both.

Reconnecting Your Relationship

It is sadly unsurprising to me that the divorce rate has become so high over the years.  I see a lot of couples who needed help far sooner than they realized and had no idea how to get started on working their way back to a solid relationship.  While many things can create cracks in the foundation of a marriage, the largest issue is a lack of connection.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to weather storms such a financial stress or childrearing difficulties with a spouse if you do not feel connected to them.  Over time fissures of anger and resentment or alienation can cause substantial damage to that connection.  The person who coined the phrase that marriage is “hard work” wasn’t making a comical observation.  If you do not invest the work into your marriage to maintain a strong connection, your marriage will suffer.

Couples need help remembering how to communicate with each other in a positive way instead of replaying the loop of their arguments repeatedly.  I often recommend spending some special time several nights a week checking in with each other.  This is a time where distractions such as phones and the TV should be shut off in order to respectfully offer your spouse your full attention.  I normally ask couples to list some issues that often trigger arguments.  Those issues become taboo during these conversations.  Those are the issues that may need to be talked through later when communication is re-established or worked through in therapy with an outside party mediating.  The goal of these conversations is to create a stronger connection.  The truth is that if you have a stronger connection with, and greater empathy and affection for, your spouse, you will naturally try harder to be respectful and kind when talking about the harder topics. 

Many couples tell me that they have no idea what to talk about that isn’t their usual argument or the surface level day to day conversations.  Neither one of these topics is going to help forge the reconnection I am talking about.  I often suggest the couple start with a recollection of the beginning of their relationship.  Do they both remember how they met?  What they thought and felt during significant early dating experiences?  These conversations will hopefully help them remember why they chose to marry in the first place and what their relationship is capable of being.  It also presents positively emotionally charged ground for them to agree and build on. 

It is not hard to build on this conversation and make it more present focused.  Do they still feel that their spouse shows them that love?  What do they love about their spouse now?  What are ways they both think they can strengthen the relationship?  Hopefully, if done successfully, this conversation can be the first of many on their way to reconnecting.  It requires a real commitment on the part of both individuals to be willing to change current patterns and re-create or strengthen their relationship.  The idea is to learn new ways to make each other a priority again and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to be a priority to their spouse.  Even if you think that your marriage is strong, it never hurts to remember fondly together.  Who knows what knowledge you may gain about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings that may leave you smiling the next day?

Tips for Effective Communication

When I am asked to offer suggestions for improving communication, three items immediately come to my mind.  While a lot of people have been taught to express themselves well, that is as far as their communication efforts extend.  Communication is about so much more than expressing what you would like to say.  It involves keeping your emotional responses under control, having your message received by the other party, and listening effectively in order to correct any error in communication.

The first thing I educate individuals about with regard to communication is how to listen effectively.  Effective listening involves more than just hearing what the other person is saying.  You must keep your mind focused on what the other party is saying not on what you are planning to say in return.  You goal should be to make sure that you are understanding what someone is trying to say to you, especially when it is in response to something you have just said.  Make eye contact to show the other person that you are actively listening.  Mirror back what they say to you in order to determine if you have fully understood their message.  In order to do this you may say things such as “I heard you say___________, is that what you meant to say?”  Fully listening to and understanding another individual’s responses to you will help you correct any inaccuracies and make sure your message is received. 

Secondly, you must think about the person who is your intended audience.  What do you know about them?  How are they like you and how are they different?  While saying something one way might be the best way for you to receive a message, saying something the exact same way to someone who thinks and reacts to things differently than you might send a completely different message than you intended.  Everything you say should be catered to the message recipient so that the message is most likely to be received accurately.  Perhaps you like people who are very direct and to the point but the person you are speaking to is conflict averse and needs something softened a bit.  This is a factor you must consider when deciding what it is you want to say and how you want to say it.

Finally, always go into conversations thinking about your goal for that conversation.  Don’t try to pile too much into a conversation, especially if you know that the other party isn’t going to like what you have to say.  One can become lost in defensiveness if he/she feels that the other person is challenging what he/she is saying.  This is an emotional response that may cause a conversation to derail completely.  If you can keep your cool by staying focused on your goal for the conversation, you can easily steer it back to the intended topic rather than getting lost in the other topics that may get pulled into the discussion. Additionally, recognizing that the other party doesn’t need to agree with you to hear what you have to say can be a valuable asset to any conversation.

So, next time you have to have a difficult conversation, remember to stay calm and focused on your goal.  When possible, spend some time in advance thinking about your audience and catering what you have to say to them specifically.  Make sure that you are actively listening to any response so that you can correct any misunderstandings before they spiral out of control.  All of these things are just as important as what message you want to convey and being able to express yourself in a way that connects with your audience will make a world of difference in your ability to communicate effectively.     

Journaling to Examine Relationships

The use of journaling in therapy has nearly unlimited uses.  Many things can be gleaned about our subconscious thoughts and feelings from a journal which lead to countless teachable skills.  For example, food journaling can help you recognize the extra or unhealthy calories that you consume. A journal of the tasks you complete in a day can help you identify patterns of wasted time or tasks with which you routinely struggle.  This can help you gain more self-awareness regarding your abilities to complete tasks within deadlines and focus your attention on areas where you might want to request assistance.

I also often prescribe journaling for anyone who is questioning whether or not to stay in a relationship.  Relationships with significant others often invoke nostalgic feelings or associations that make it difficult for you to evaluate them objectively.  Our memories of better times often make us overlook serious flaws in the relationship, but I regularly see the opposite effect as well.  Unresolved negative feelings toward another person can begin to color our feelings about benign interactions, leading to thoughts that “everything” in the relationship is bad.  In these cases, I suggest keeping a daily journal that records general thoughts and feelings about interactions with your significant other as well as details about important interactions.  Sometimes I even suggest a rating scale of 1-10 every day to assess the level of positive regard you have for your significant other.  Each week I suggest that you review your journal when you are feeling calm.  It is not unusual for the journal to tell a very different story from the perception you have formed in your head.  You may see that you gave your spouse a high rating five out of seven days and that there were a lot of positive interactions that you forgot about when one negative interaction occurred. 

A similar style of journaling can also be used to help you make a realization that a relationship is unhealthy.  When you meet someone during a major life transition (a divorce, death, break-up, etc.) you may be drawn to them because they are meeting an emotional need that has long gone unmet.  For instance, a controlling person who wants to be involved in every aspect of your life may seem wonderful to you if you have been in a marriage where you felt ignored.  However, often as your life is rebuilt and you reconnect with other facets that help fill that need you may begin to feel that the negatives in the relationship far outweigh the positive ones.  Daily journaling about the relationship can help you to recognize that the powerful positive feelings evoked when your previously unsatisfied needs were initially met early in the relationship are not based on the reality of how this person treats you.  It can help you view the relationship objectively so that you may realize the relationship has run its course and is no longer a healthy one for you.

So if you are questioning a relationship that you are currently involved in, journal before you make the decision whether to end it or continue it.  While you should never stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good, sometimes emotional triggers and associations cause you to feel that a relationship is unsalvageable when it may not be.  Make sure that you take the time to process all available information from a calm place before you call it quits (unless you are being physically abused - NOTHING is salvageable about a relationship involving abuse).  You may be surprised how emotional baggage can color what you see.