Reconnecting Your Relationship

It is sadly unsurprising to me that the divorce rate has become so high over the years.  I see a lot of couples who needed help far sooner than they realized and had no idea how to get started on working their way back to a solid relationship.  While many things can create cracks in the foundation of a marriage, the largest issue is a lack of connection.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to weather storms such a financial stress or childrearing difficulties with a spouse if you do not feel connected to them.  Over time fissures of anger and resentment or alienation can cause substantial damage to that connection.  The person who coined the phrase that marriage is “hard work” wasn’t making a comical observation.  If you do not invest the work into your marriage to maintain a strong connection, your marriage will suffer.

Couples need help remembering how to communicate with each other in a positive way instead of replaying the loop of their arguments repeatedly.  I often recommend spending some special time several nights a week checking in with each other.  This is a time where distractions such as phones and the TV should be shut off in order to respectfully offer your spouse your full attention.  I normally ask couples to list some issues that often trigger arguments.  Those issues become taboo during these conversations.  Those are the issues that may need to be talked through later when communication is re-established or worked through in therapy with an outside party mediating.  The goal of these conversations is to create a stronger connection.  The truth is that if you have a stronger connection with, and greater empathy and affection for, your spouse, you will naturally try harder to be respectful and kind when talking about the harder topics. 

Many couples tell me that they have no idea what to talk about that isn’t their usual argument or the surface level day to day conversations.  Neither one of these topics is going to help forge the reconnection I am talking about.  I often suggest the couple start with a recollection of the beginning of their relationship.  Do they both remember how they met?  What they thought and felt during significant early dating experiences?  These conversations will hopefully help them remember why they chose to marry in the first place and what their relationship is capable of being.  It also presents positively emotionally charged ground for them to agree and build on. 

It is not hard to build on this conversation and make it more present focused.  Do they still feel that their spouse shows them that love?  What do they love about their spouse now?  What are ways they both think they can strengthen the relationship?  Hopefully, if done successfully, this conversation can be the first of many on their way to reconnecting.  It requires a real commitment on the part of both individuals to be willing to change current patterns and re-create or strengthen their relationship.  The idea is to learn new ways to make each other a priority again and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to be a priority to their spouse.  Even if you think that your marriage is strong, it never hurts to remember fondly together.  Who knows what knowledge you may gain about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings that may leave you smiling the next day?

Tips for Effective Communication

When I am asked to offer suggestions for improving communication, three items immediately come to my mind.  While a lot of people have been taught to express themselves well, that is as far as their communication efforts extend.  Communication is about so much more than expressing what you would like to say.  It involves keeping your emotional responses under control, having your message received by the other party, and listening effectively in order to correct any error in communication.

The first thing I educate individuals about with regard to communication is how to listen effectively.  Effective listening involves more than just hearing what the other person is saying.  You must keep your mind focused on what the other party is saying not on what you are planning to say in return.  You goal should be to make sure that you are understanding what someone is trying to say to you, especially when it is in response to something you have just said.  Make eye contact to show the other person that you are actively listening.  Mirror back what they say to you in order to determine if you have fully understood their message.  In order to do this you may say things such as “I heard you say___________, is that what you meant to say?”  Fully listening to and understanding another individual’s responses to you will help you correct any inaccuracies and make sure your message is received. 

Secondly, you must think about the person who is your intended audience.  What do you know about them?  How are they like you and how are they different?  While saying something one way might be the best way for you to receive a message, saying something the exact same way to someone who thinks and reacts to things differently than you might send a completely different message than you intended.  Everything you say should be catered to the message recipient so that the message is most likely to be received accurately.  Perhaps you like people who are very direct and to the point but the person you are speaking to is conflict averse and needs something softened a bit.  This is a factor you must consider when deciding what it is you want to say and how you want to say it.

Finally, always go into conversations thinking about your goal for that conversation.  Don’t try to pile too much into a conversation, especially if you know that the other party isn’t going to like what you have to say.  One can become lost in defensiveness if he/she feels that the other person is challenging what he/she is saying.  This is an emotional response that may cause a conversation to derail completely.  If you can keep your cool by staying focused on your goal for the conversation, you can easily steer it back to the intended topic rather than getting lost in the other topics that may get pulled into the discussion. Additionally, recognizing that the other party doesn’t need to agree with you to hear what you have to say can be a valuable asset to any conversation.

So, next time you have to have a difficult conversation, remember to stay calm and focused on your goal.  When possible, spend some time in advance thinking about your audience and catering what you have to say to them specifically.  Make sure that you are actively listening to any response so that you can correct any misunderstandings before they spiral out of control.  All of these things are just as important as what message you want to convey and being able to express yourself in a way that connects with your audience will make a world of difference in your ability to communicate effectively.