Would You Rather be Right or Happy?

As the weather gets colder and the holidays arrive, the natural stressors associated with this time of year arise.  Significant relationships in our lives often suffer from the stress associated with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season as well as the demands of social events with extended family and work colleagues.  For many people, financial burdens weigh especially heavy at this time of year.  Tempers run high, tolerance is low and communication can often break down in couples and families.  As a result, many people express feelings that they are taken for granted by significant others during busy times in life such as these. 

My first piece of advice to combat these feelings is to make spending time together with your partner a priority.  It is often when we get busiest that our coping mechanisms are taxed and we need recuperating reconnection time more.  Unfortunately, during these times we often make less time for this recuperation.  Finding the time to spend with your partner despite the other demands on your time allows you to balance those stressors with positive interaction and communication with your loved ones.  These positive moments can help give you the perspective you need to not develop a negative impression of your significant other during these stressful times.

However, it is inevitable that arguments will occur, especially at this time of year.  While all couples have disagreements, it is important to argue productively.  Disagreements can lead to anger and resentment, which actually changes the way you see your partner.  Arguing in a way that leads to resolution without resentment requires knowledge that two people can experience the same situation entirely differently and a willingness to bridge the gap between those different perceptions.  It is entirely possible to have the same experience as your significant other and walk away with different feelings, meanings and thoughts about that experience. 

We all filter everything we experience through our past experiences and our own moral code.  Since no two people have the same experiences in life, we may (and probably do) interpret the input we receive in any given moment entirely differently than our partner.  It is important to keep these differing perspectives in mind when an argument arises and evaluate what you intend to achieve during the argument.  Consider whether the battle is important enough to justify an argument.  If the issue is that important, why is it important and what about your feelings do you want your significant other to understand?  One of our basic intrinsic needs as a human being is to feel understood, so you will often be more successful if you try to understand where your partner is coming from.  What might they be thinking and feeling that are causing them to act in this way?  If you are focused on proving that you are right (or they are wrong) instead of trying to understand their viewpoint you are not really listening to them.  If you are trying to force them to perceive an event in the same way that you did, you may be ignoring the fact that your partner is viewing that event through a different filter of historical experiences than you.  This is what leads to the resentment.  After all, would you really like to be with someone who isn’t listening to you?

So as this stressful time of year approaches make your significant other a priority.  Spend time alone together away from the stresses of the season.  Have enough self-awareness to know your own stress level and pick your disagreements wisely.  If an argument has to be had for you to move forward, ask yourself do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  More often than not, you can’t have both.