Suggestions for Rebuilding a Marriage

The couples who come to my office lay out stories of once wonderful and solid relationships that now seem broken beyond repair.  It seems unfathomable that the relationship that had brought them the joy evident in their wedding photos is now bringing them such desperation and despair.  The solutions for bringing these couples back together are often complicated and difficult.  There is one thing that I see regularly in couples who are successful at reclaiming their happiness together: a willingness to put in the necessary work.  Even two people who are deeply in love have to work at their marriage to maintain a healthy and strong relationship.

Excuses are often made for why marriages fail.  It is common to hear that a couple grew apart, that they decided they want different things, or that old arguments have just finally become too much to handle.  This all means the same thing, one or both of the partners got involved in other responsibilities and didn’t make the relationship a priority.  Now I understand that careers, children and other obligations take a lot of time and effort.  It is easy to devote your attention to these things counting on the fact that your spouse will be there when all of those other things are taken care of, but we, as humans, are social creatures.  We crave love and affection.  We have needs for attention and caring that must be met. 

So my first suggestion to couples is always to reconnect.  Make each other a priority.  I love to suggest that they start a monthly date and alternate which spouse plans the date.  That way nobody feels as though they are putting in all the work or a spouse whose opinion often goes unheard gets a chance to share something they love with their partner.  The idea is to engage with each other.  Do the things you used to do when you were dating before marriage.  Be creative.  If money and babysitting are issues, plan special meals together after the kids are in bed or go on a picnic or hike.  Play cards, shoot pool, go hear live music, explore a new town together, cook your way through a cookbook together, rediscover ice skating or miniature golf.  The possibilities are endless.  It truly can be as simple as reading the same book and having a glass of wine while conducting your own “book club”.  Go to a movie.  Afterward have coffee and discuss it. 

Even if your relationship is solid, it can never hurt to make your spouse a priority all over again.  People are constantly growing and changing.  What your partner of fifteen years has to share with you may surprise you and it can definitely help keep the marriage alive and thriving.